Motion for Post Conviction Relief Denied

Well, our motion was denied by the judge and he sided with the State. 

We have a thirty day window to appeal his decision and a very slim loophole that might swing things around in our favor, but it's unlikely. I'm trying to reconcile myself to the fact that this very well may not work and that he'll have to do the fifteen years. 

I was actually quite calm about it last night when I found out. And I'm calm about it today. I'm waiting until I am absolutely sure we have no hope before I give in and break down. It hurts- trust me it does. But I'm also beginning to think proactively about what our lives are going to consist of if we lose this risk we took. 

I know I love him and vice versa, and I'll stick by him. But I realize the last year I've lived exclusively for him in the hope he'd come home, buried myself in my apartment, neglected my friends, and made this whole legal battle the center of my existence. I know if we do lose, I'm going to have to shift things around a bit. I will need to develop and maintain my own life out here without him, and balance the life I have with him differently so it's not all consuming. Nobody can keep that up for fifteen years and I know he'll want me to live my life, not just sit and wait for him, so when he does come home it's to a happy woman with a home and a life she can share with him. 

I don't want to be an incomplete broken piece waiting for him to come home and complete me. I want to be whole and solid and strong on my own so we can compliment each other. 

What's funny is I told a friend of mine about my thoughts and she immediately thought that meant I was going to date other people. She even offered to fix me up with someone. Hello!!! Of course not. He and I are monogamous and committed and my life is with him. I'm just saying it's time to get out with my friends again, remember my hobbies, make plans for the future etc. with things as they are instead of what I hoped, which was he would be home this year. I'm going to wait to launch into all this stuff until we're sure there's no hope- I haven't given up. 

I guess I'm just trying to be ready should the worst happen. I want to make sure I don't completely fall apart and plunge into depression. I want to make sure I can stay strong and on the right path for both our sakes- he's going to need my support and I'll need to keep chugging out here.